ahh, lil risa’s blog, so quiet and demure, naive even. mostly because i see fit to abandon you periodically…

Things have been going ok over at Open. We’re staggering our way toward a functioning editorial collective I think, and the best bit about that will be the potentially explosive possibility of writing with others.

I feel like I spend a lot of time mentally preparing other people and myself for collaboration. Talking people through concerns about their time, and the value of their contribution (everyone either over values or under values this at different times). Or, I end up getting into conversations about how El and I manage to be a functioning couple and work partners. Most people, it has been suggested to me, could not work with the one they love. And to that I would add that too many people seem not that good at working together on their love. So anyway, here’s a random collection of advice on collaboration.

This advice is like all advice- sometimes true and sometimes useful. I hope. Also like all advice, this stuff is stuff that I see because I’m working on it, not stuff I’m expert at. Being able to see good tactics is only a small and uneventful part of a successful collaboration. The real triumph is being able to call up those good tactics when you’re upset, or scared, or faced with the mess of reality, or in the heat of love or battle..

1. To be good at Love you should keep some of your new thoughts, some of the work you’ve been doing on yourself, in a quiet place where you don’t unpack it for just anyone. Resist the urge to impress your friends with some of the things you’ve learned. Keep some new thoughts in a careful place and take them out and look at them and work on them when you are alone. Do this until you fall really in love. This way, you will have something beautiful of yourself to give. Keep doing this once you’re in a relationship- imagine you have this one person to be with all the time for the rest of your life. Of course you need all kinds of new, outside perspectives to keep growing as individuals, but you should try to build your selves and your tactics together, and to do this I think you need to make sure that that’s the person you work new things out with most of the time. In a way I guess this is sort of like keeping your virginity intact. Except that I don’t really think you should do that. do the thoughts thing instead..

2. lose your virginity in a place where you are comfortable and happy, and if you’re not ok with giggling about the pause for putting on a condom then you’re not ready, or not with the right person. The adult in me wants to say that if you’re not ready to potentially have a baby with this person, then don’t do it. And it’s true in this way- if you’re looking at the person you’re about to let be in and around yer naked bod, and you’re thinking “god, you’d make a great father for my children” then you’re probably not in bad shape. Plus, the sex will only be as good as it can be if your genes and instincts and heart are all in agreement with your urges. And seriously- I think the great love of your life is better if you’ve had some experience to compare it to and if you’ve gone a couple of trial rounds with people who helped you grow up. I think it’s tough to be up for a great love if both partners don’t feel equally adult.

3. you will be of value in any collaboration (love affair, business venture) if you

a. have life experience to bring to the table. You can get additional life experience by listening to other people tell about their life experience, or by reading. Mostly, though, it seems you get this from doing things you don’t particularly like. I guess because it makes what you really want to be and do stand out in starker contrast.

b. are consistently able to say when you don’t know something. whoo boy is this one tough, but worth it. Nobody likes feeling green, inexperienced, or uninformed, because for that moment you seem worthless. And we all just wanna be loved and appreciated. So we wrench conversations away from the thing we don’t know about and towards the thing we do know. Or we bluster and bluff and hope that we can quickly figure out enough on our own to make our lie true. Then, when the gaps and cracks in our story start to show, it gets increasingly tough for us to unpack it so we get defensive (animal style) and we’re quicker with the claws then we’d really like to be. And the real danger is that this gets to be a habit: lie or exaggerate; get freaked out that they might see the truth; hurt them or negotiate it so you they hurt you; and move on. repeat. repeat. repeat.
And it only gets harder to make real friends or to let someone love you in all those ways that change you.

The good news is- this ride repeats itself in countless small ways and the chance to break your pattern is constantly being offered you. There is even a grace period where it’s cool to say- “yeah.. i don’t know why i said that, the more i think about it clearly the more obvious it is that i actually don’t know how to do that. i’m pretty sure that together we could figure it out though.” or something like that.

Because the thing is- not saying what you don’t know it a tactic that communicates something you didn’t intend. It communicates un-love. It communicates that you think the people around you are not worth trusting with your weaknesses or vulnerable bits. That you are unwilling to see the deep wells of knowledge and greatness they might have in them. That you would rather be alone then with them.

4. the solution to every collaboration problem is communication. Mostly, in fact, it seems that you need to just keep talking and listening to each other, and then you need to stop talking and go work hard on whatever it is you’re collaborating on. Because the work will communicate all the other things that you couldn’t put into words. Sometimes you need to figure out what the block to interaction is and fix it- sometimes the solution is interpersonal and sometimes it’s systemic or technological. Sometimes you realize that you had almost everything figured out but that you were wearing the wrong hats, and then when you switch who is in charge of what, things fall into place.

5. Feeling empty, or like the world is scarily fake and un-real? I think this happens when some majority of our interactions are performative- when you and your fellow interactants are phoning your interactions in. When this starts to happen in a relationship it’s horrifying. The only way out of this that I have ever found is this : keep steady, be kind. That’s all I’ve got, but it’s been good for me so far. The steadiness helps you pass through the time that stretches long and dark, and the kindness makes small punctures in the dark, makes small links between you and everyone else. Small acts of kindness (like biting your tongue and listening) are so overwhelmingly well received that you can’t help but realize how real other people are. And being successfully kind when all you want to be is in a bubble of despair is a good little accomplishment. It makes a solid step that you can stand on for a while, and from there the next step is a little easier.

No matter what step you’re standing on crappy stuff happens- everyone suffers “the slings and arrows of unruly fortune” and you know “the bigger they are the harder they fall” and stuff like that. So just keep steady, ok? and be kind.