(for “how to talk to teenage boys” i put myself in the position of a teenage girl and thought of what i wished i’d known, or what i slowly figured out. this one, i’ve realized, is trickier. I never was a teenage boy. But I’ve known some teenage girls in my time, and I can remember all the people who managed to make contact with me through my own teenage brain shape. so here goes…)

1. don’t be afraid of them- they know when they have that kind of power, and the rush they get from it is confusing. Sometimes this is why they giggle hysterically.

2. allow yourself to take the world unseriously with them.

3. But keep an eye on what, when you get right down to it, you do care about, and an eye out for what they do care about, even when their friends are still laughing.

4. Only joke gently about things you care about- this will help open up some space around it for conversations beyond giggling, criticizing, and crying.

5. Just because she hasn’t thought of it yet, doesn’t mean she won’t understand a new subtlety immediately and be thankful for it.

6. Allow eachother to save face. (this is the same with boys, the same with everyone- it’s like letting an animal out of a corner without making them feel like they need to bite and scratch and dominate to do it.)

7. She has a completely unique perspective on the world- look out for it. Teenagers are constantly sorting out what they believe, trying on the opinions they see floating around. In between repetitions of things her friends have said you’ll see bits of her own personal experience. Learning to look at what we’re living right at the moment we’re living it, and not through other people’s eyes, is a key thing when building a self (and it’s a process that goes on throughout life, I think) so help her pay attention to her own world.

8. Teach things by example rather then lectures. Teenage girls especially are wild-eyed for hypocracy and injustice, and they will think about what you’ve said and feel betrayed if they decide you were fudging or faking. Purposely distorting reality is the most angering thing to do to anyone- and teenagers are generally more prone to anger then other people.

9. So try really hard to be honest and fair and good, and be honest to them about how hard this is. Because it’s hard for everyone, and if they learn that people mostly fake it and don’t follow through, then guess what they’ll learn to do, and who they learn to respect? not you.